I have to get out

I have to get out.

I’m not sure I can take it anymore.

This job, this lifestyle.

I so want to be free and just read, help others through my ideas. I have so many to write about.

The work I do now I have to do because I need the money, but the job does nothing for me. It’s soulless, repetitive. I don’t feel as though I am contributing to anything.

I work inside all day, which is fine during the winter, but on days like we have now with sun, and warmth, I really miss being outdoors.

I want to be in sunlight, rain, wind. To breath it all in. To see the world in its glory and beauty. Yet I am stuck here.

I am desperate for someone to talk to, on topics I find interesting.

I cannot stay here, yet I am afraid to leave. I have to get out.

What can I do?

I have tried things but they did not work out, because I don”t know people outside of my own family and colleagues. The only think I know how to do beside this is nutrition therapy, and I can’t get clients because I lack a social circle.

I don’t want to wait for my writing to become a success, if it ever will, I need to leave my job now. I have waited and endured for so long.

I feel stagnant along with the frustration and anger that goes with it.

‘The old ways no longer work’

This moment will pass and I will end up feeling better, but it will not go away. Each time I go to work I am reminded that I can’t escape.

I’m stuck, I know it I feel it.

Nothing I try seems to work, not my writing, my meetups, my nutrition practice never got of the ground, massage training I had to stop.

I spend so much time trying to write well. I have no idea if am I succeeding. I look at other established blogs, I see how well they write and I think to myself, ‘I am never going to be that good’.

I try so hard and end up failing badly.

I have so much to say yet I don’t feel I have the time to say it.

It’s demoralising, reading advice on blogging because you always feel like you never doing enough, or your not doing anything right.

Worst of all is I feel alone in this struggle, all the work has to be done by me.

I’m beginning to think all this is wasted effort, perhaps I should just slip back into the shadows, and have my dreams die with me. What’s left? a faceless mediocrity, the living death, I have had too much of this in my life already.

I feel desolate, I don’t want the life I have, yet nothing I seem to do has any effect. I’m trapped.

I feel no closer to my dreams.

On Barren plains, my tears give life to no seeds.

I could fall back on the ideas I have and the writing, but it all seems like wishful thinking. Those words of wisdom I have read and discovered seem hollow when you feel nothing makes nay difference.

Will I give up? No

I can’t, because there is a part of me won’t die, my Unconquerable soul.

So I’m stuck, in a place I don’t want to be. But I need more than this!

James Bond family Motto – ‘Orbis Non Sufficit‘ -The World is not Enough.

Do I need help, I don’t know. Do I need a break? Perhaps, but I would still be stuck when I came back.

I love my ideas, by the process of writing is a pain. I feel like I am trying to squeeze myself into a box by writing well.

I have some many ideas, posts, books, I don’t have time to do it all.

But reading just get you swamped in ideas, that you don’t have time to act upon. So you feel like a failure.

I just wish I could be free, wish I knew what would help me become a success sooner rather than later. I wish I could connect to people who want to hear what I have to say.

Traveling alone is tough, especially for a social anxiety sufferer, who has never really connected to anyone, and does not know how.

My dreams are epic, passionate, romantic like the stories I read. So much so I can feel the warmth in my heart. They may be fanciful, geeky but they’re mine.

But I am so afraid that I will never get to see them, even in a limited sense. That I will never amount to anything.

I don’t want to be nothing. I want to be what I read about, a hero.

So what will I do?

I will keep going, with little more than hope on my heart and a prayer on my lips

….If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

…..If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling

Image Credit: hikrcn / 123RF Stock Photo